Feel the Fear, Then Jump

This April will be 2 years since I left my life in California, 2 years since I lost great love and gained an even greater purpose. There are so many different words I could use to express what these last two years have taught me, the progress I have made, the lessons I have learned, and the inner healing, self-reflection, and development. It truly is such an odd feeling to both feel my heart ache at the thought of what I have had to leave behind and, at the same time, feel an overwhelming sense of pride and certainty in who I have become and what I have done to get here. Listening to my inner voice, acknowledging every fear, and pushing past them catapulted me into myself and my destiny. I have begun to truly understand just how deeply we fall into our self-inflicted fear and doubt, how quickly we lose our identity in it. We become dependent on our fear of what could happen or what we could feel and create an invisible barrier around ourselves, believing we are safe and secure; Meanwhile, we remain stagnant, blocking our blessings and trapping ourselves in an endless cycle of defeat and discomfort. 

Back in 2018, I started to feel a slight internal shift, an itch of sorts. A craving for a better future, a better me. A few months before my wedding, I remember going to one of my dearest friends and asking her “Do you think I’m making a mistake?” she looked me in the eye and said, “ I support whatever choice you make, but I truly believe that one day you are going to find magic on the other side of heartbreak…” At the time, hearing that stung, I could not imagine my life any different than what it was, I did not want to. But those words echoed in the back of my mind for years. For years, I convinced myself I could navigate my life and manipulate it in such a way as to avoid all the things that could hurt. The primary problem with this method? I found myself stuck in the same space, continuously taking 3 steps forward and 6 steps back. I grasped at my fear, knuckles white, teeth clenched - I refused to let go of what I wanted to be meant for me, in doing so, completely missing myself and my power. Sometimes growth means going through unavoidable pain. We spend our lives trying to figure out every kind of method to avoid causing pain to ourselves or those around us. We tiptoe around those obstacles, as long as we possibly can. I did it for years, hoping that the feeling of unease would eventually subside and my soul would simply accept the choices I had made and silence itself. I wanted to be ok with being and accepting the bare minimum.

A common fallacy, one I simply do not agree with is the idea that "It gets easier, just give it time.” No, it does not get easier. It does not hurt any less now than it did the day I left, I just understand it better than I did then, allowing me to truly learn to navigate my pain. Not a day goes by when he does not cross my mind, it could be a song, a smell, a sound and it yanks me right back to a memory. The pain that comes with growth is almost never one that can be avoided and can be SO uncomfortable! So unpredictable. But so damn worth it! I had to rip my heart out, feeling every single pull, and then slowly begin to restitch it back together. No doubt, my love for Roman has never faltered, I love him the same now as I did when I was 19.  I will always love him. But, the difference is I have found the security and safety I solely depended on him for, in myself. 

We've all come across situations and relationships that don't feel natural, but we try our best to mold into them, hoping over time they'll meet a need or fill a void; Meanwhile, becoming more and more uncomfortable in the process… That is how my life was beginning to feel, it did not fit anymore and the more I tried to convince myself it eventually would, the more uncomfortable I became. I will never forget the day I realized fitting was no longer an option and the time to make that terrifying leap had come. March 9th, 2021. Roman and I had just moved into our first house and were starting to plan our next big step, starting a family. The reality of bringing a child into this world, feeling as incomplete and unsettled as I did felt horribly wrong. I thought of my mother, and how lost she was to herself, internally abandoned with a profound inability to cope, leading her to succumb to her vices. She abandoned herself, in doing so, could not find the strength to be present for her children. I realized I did not want that for myself, I could not repeat that very cycle. Through the whirlwind of doubt, fear, and emotions, I started making moves. I promised myself, no matter how painful, how scary, I was going to do this for me. Never again would I settle for “what if?” or “If I only would have…” or “It is what it is, I guess…” I was living at a mere fraction of the woman I could be and hardly tapping into my potential; It was killing me, I was killing me.

My most treasured lesson during these past few years of inner-healing and self-reflection, is that courage and bravery are not simply a feeling. Think about every time you have accomplished something you are proud of - In those moments,

leading up to that one decision or victory, in the heart of the work you are putting in, bravery and courage do not come to mind. You are simply focused on making it to your end goal, no matter the obstacle. It is your ability to continue fighting through the tears, those moments you want to fall back, give up, turn around, but you don’t - THAT is courage. When you choose to persevere through every teardrop, angry scream, and painful step, THAT is bravery. Growth does not exist in comfort, success is not found in the familiar. We need to muster up every ounce of strength we can and run into the insanity that is uncertainty. That fear that envelopes us never truly goes away, we simply learn to use it in our favor. We learn that sometimes change is not rational, decisions cannot always be explained and outcomes cannot be predicted. The beauty and power hidden inside of us can find itself cocooned in the fictitiously safe place we have trapped ourselves in. 

In my very first blog post, I began sharing my journey of self-discovery, healing, and finding my inner courage. That journey is nowhere near its end and the lessons I have learned along the way have transformed who I am and how I view life. I have learned to say YES! Yes to opportunity, adventure, challenges, relationships, experiences. life. To feel all of the dread and anxiety that comes with uncertainty and allow it to fuel me, rather than defeat me. I have learned to surround myself with people who challenge me. People stronger, smarter, braver, fitter, ambitious, kinder- People who encompass the strength, power, and magic I so desperately want to find in myself. Those are the people who push us out of our comfort zone. Who challenge the version of ourselves we've come to enable and coddle. Those are the people who help teach us what we are truly capable of and the very people who test the limits we have placed in our own way. Through these relationships, I've learned that only we can hear the self-doubt and internalized chaos drowning out everything else. Only we can feel our knees shake, our palms get sweaty and our heart beat so fast we feel it'll somersault right out of our chest. During those moments, where gaining an emotional footing is a struggle, is when we need to stand up straight, look adversity in the eye and claim our power. We cannot allow something only we can see and feel continuously cloud our vision and rob us of ourselves . We must be bigger than our demons, louder than our doubts and greater than our fears.

I can tell you, without a doubt, there is never a time that feels just right to jump. There is no magic button or feeling of 100% certainty to make the moves we need to, in order to grow and thrive. We are what we fear and we need to turn around, face ourselves and accept it's time to stop making excuses as to why we just can’t right now. Some of us have spent years standing in our own way. Standing in the same spot, hoping for the moment when everything will fall into place and feel just right- meanwhile, life continues to pass us by. We have to be bigger, be better. We can either continue to be enslaved to our angst or dominate it. Tethering ourselves to the now, because we're too afraid to take risks, means forever reaching back and grasping at what could have been, instead of diving headfirst into what WILL be! What COULD be.

Take that job! Find the help you need to heal. Move to that place. Walk away from what is not making you happy. Run towards what brings you joy. Forgive. Speak your mind. Love with no expectation. Pursue that degree, start that business. Rip off the bandaid and make that change. The very thing that scares you could be the very thing that saves you. Let yourself feel every single ounce of that fear and doubt then jump! Your magic is on the other side of the risks you're willling to take 🤍.