These past few months have been full of drastic, life altering changes for me; I’ve had to make some huge decisions and take some painful steps to preserve my energy and my heart. I’ve been ok, I’ve made peace with my choices and have genuinely felt happier than I have in years, but fuck if some days I don’t want to scream at the top of my lungs, if some days my heart aches so much my entire body hurts. I would be lying if some days I don’t want to scream through the phone “WHYYY?!? why couldn’t I be enough when you were all of that and more to me?!”
Starting over again at 27 when I thought I had found my love, my forever, when I made room in my heart, gave 110% of me to someone in hopes it would be reciprocated has been difficult to wrap my head around. I have never loved anyone so deeply, so passionately, so purely in my entire life. As much as I want to be angry, I can’t… I can’t be mad at someone for offering what they believed was their very best, even if it meant the bare minimum was too much for them to give me. I can’t bring myself to be angry at someone I’ve loved so much… but I am angry, I’m angry at the universe, I’m angry at myself for ever compromising what I knew I needed out of fear of never finding anyone who would be willing to give me what I needed. I’m angry at myself for ever believing all I deserved were crumbs and not the entire damn bakery.
Most of you know my life story and, although I wouldn’t change what my life has been or what I’ve gone through, I am so, so, so tired… I’m depleted, I’m numb. I’m absolutely terrified of offering my heart to one more person, I’m absolutely petrified of letting one more person into my life for fear of what they might walk out with and what they might leave in exchange… more than anything, I’m scared of robbing myself of the opportunity for a new love to present it self because of this looming fear. Because I’ve internalized someone else’s lack of love and convinced myself, for nearly a decade, that if I just tweaked who I was a little more, if I just lost a few more pounds, colored my hair, stopped voicing my need for attention and affection then maybe I would be seen, then maybe I would be good enough. It kills me when I think of how badly I stifled who I was for someone else.
The more time I’ve spent with myself the more I have come to realize that the only time I ever feel 100% safe is when I’m alone, when I’m withdrawn; The silence I find within my own company is comforting, the solitude is sacred and wonderful. I am finally in control of who I let in, I’m in control of my heart, I’m in control of the love I offer and the love I accept and I don’t know that I could ever share that control with anyone else ever again. Obviously, I know I say this in the midst of heartache and things will eventually change for me emotionally, but for now I’m enjoying my solitude and I’m making it as clear as I can to any new individual that walks into my life and asks for my time: I’ll gladly share who I am with you, just do not waste my time or walk into my heart without the purest of intentions, please, just don’t… Despite the looming wall of insecurities stacked in front of me, I am very confident in the love I offer to those around me and if you cannot recognize the benefits having me in your life would bring and you cannot love every single part of me whole heartedly, please simply stay away. I tell people constantly “I am not entitled to your love, your time, or your affections” and vice versa. I will no longer waste my time on half-assed efforts, unreciprocated love, or negative energies and I will never stifle who I am and what I need in order to keep anyone around ever again.
Regardless of the tedious process of putting my life back together again and the emotions that have come with it, I know this for certain; there is an immeasurable amount of safety and power in solitude, and sometimes being alone creates a kind of love and peace we could never possibly experience with anyone but ourselves. Your time, your love, your efforts are a gift to anyone you offer them to, so treat them as such. Don’t comprise your solitude and safety out of fear of being alone, don’t lose sight of who you are and the core of what feeds your wonderful, sacred, and pure soul for fear no one will love you, your mess and all of the beauty that lies therein. Your love and your time are always going to be the most valuable and precious parts of you, hold them close to your heart and always discern who you offer them to ✨.
I am so proud of you. I know you are feeling and going through so much but you are finally putting yourself first. Right now you are the only person you can trust and that's ok. Overtime you will heal and someone will come along and fill all those cracks in your heart. I started over at 29 and look where I am now. You are never too old to have the life you deserve. I love you! Zellie says she loves you and can't wait to have a fun auntie to spoil her!