The Risk of Loving You

Do you ever replay scenarios of your life like scenes from a movie? In those moments where you introspectively trek back through archived memories and all of the different yous that you’ve been and do you ever just think “There! That moment! That’s the one…” I wish there were a pause button for those moments... like, each time I’ve felt lost, confused or angry I could pause, rewind and learn how that very moment affected the core of my entire being forever; but the thing is, for me, those moments are too many to count and I’ve spent years trying to rewind only losing myself more in the midst.

I met a new friend this past weekend and naturally they kept asking me questions about myself, simple ones like "what kind of music do you like" or "what’s your favorite thing about yourself" 90% of my answers were “I don’t know…” the entire time trying to avoid eye contact, fearing they would catch a glimpse of every single one of my flaws the minute I held their gaze. I left that interaction realizing how much I cast shadows on beautiful moments and pure connections all out of fear of truly being seen. I tiptoe around people for fear of being rejected, fear they’ll see me exactly how I see me: desolate, chaotic, broken.

And that brings me to this question: What key unlocks the door to truly discovering who we are? In the midst of life, where is the defining line between who we should be, who we could be, and who we have become? I see people and friends, all over social media, posting about “self- love” and all of these incredible ways to manifest our best selves, living out our true potential and unlocking the door to all of the magic that comes with self-discovery and the same question runs through my mind “how did you get there? How the hell are you so comfortable with the person you are??” Then, there’s the infamous question; How do you learn to love yourself at the expense of losing someone else? How do you learn to put yourself first without feeling an overwhelming sense of dread? How do you learn to be ok with loving you at the risk of feeling lonely or losing something that could potentially be great? There doesn’t seem to be a right answer, no matter how I analyze it.

In April, I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever made… I packed up my Nissan and drove from California to Florida. It was the first decision I had ever confidently made for myself, so much confidence it scared me. The night before I left, Roman and I sat on the stoop of the house we’d just moved into, holding one another in silence, both of us with tears streaming down our faces, but knowing that this was what needed to happen. The next morning I put on a brave face, kissed my husband goodbye, gave my dog a big hug, got in the car and cried as hard as I have ever cried in my entire life; I knew the risk I was taking leaving my little family in the rearview mirror. The thing is, I haven't felt ok in so long and, if i’m being honest, I don’t know that I have EVER felt ok. I’ve been invisible to myself, completely and utterly lost to myself. No matter what I’ve done, who I have met, where I have been, none of it has ever felt like home. I have never felt at home. The thought of feeling this way forever, of offering a fraction of me to a man who deserves all of me, the thought of having children and making the same mistakes my birth mother did, of waking up every single fucking morning with the same “What if?” is petrifying.

I’m scared. I am terrified of what I might lose in the midst of choosing me. I am so scared of the heartbreak that might come with finally seeing me for me. But, despite the crippling fear and countless tears, I know it is entirely worth the risk. I know I am my most important person and it’s time Celena learns who she is. I’m convinced one of the reasons I reach for the past so much is because there are so many incomplete versions of me wandering around with the same unanswered question “who are you?” I have spent so much time trying to fit into molds created by other people, trying to be seen, accepted, loved but how can I expect anyone to find me and love me if I can’t even find myself?

Roman will always be my first love and, God willing, our paths will meet at the end of this road of self-discovery and if they don’t, that’s ok - He will always have a place in my heart and I will never forget the love he’s offered me. Great love, good people, pain and suffering, chaos and peace, sadness and excitement are all a part of the wonder and beauty that is life. I’m learning that I cannot have all of the answers and I cannot control all of the outcomes; all I can do is carry myself through life with all of the love and compassion I’ve generously offered to others. I know I made the right decision, for me, and I know the risk of learning who I really am is worth every single tug at my heartstrings, every single weighted tear and beautiful memory.

At the end of the day, I've accepted that I don’t fit into anyone’s mold, I never will. I’m understanding that one of life’s biggest challenges is the tedious and messy process of carving and creating our own molds, no matter how risky and uncomfortable that might feel. Within the depths of my mess I recognize this: I want to love every single second of my life. To speak loudly and unapologetically. I want to walk into a room, with my head held high, and never again think to myself “I hope no one sees me.” I want to be proud of every single step I take and have the courage to stand behind everything I believe in. Most importantly, I want to meet me at the end of the road.

I know I am destined to do great things, to love great people, have every kind of experience my heart desires and risk all I need to fall in love with me. And the next time someone asks me “what do you love most about you?” I want to look them in the eyes and answer, without a single hesitation. I know I am a beautiful soul, a wonderful woman and the potential that resides in me is so much greater than I give myself credit for. I am a sacred being with a fascinating and magnificent heart. There is no one on this earth who can offer me the love only I can give myself and there is no one on this earth who loves like I do.

“Be unapologetically you, there is no one better."